i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
