I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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