I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
