i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
