My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
