I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
