my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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