You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
