Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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