FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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