I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
