Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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