After last night, I could never be a politician.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
