She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
