Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
