i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
