Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I had to cum in my sink.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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