Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
