we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
