Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
