Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
