I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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