I hate your face
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
