In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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