I accidentally had phone sex last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
