I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
