Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
