I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish you could order shots online.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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