I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
