If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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