I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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