That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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