i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
two words: eviction party
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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