"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
