This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
