seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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