Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
