areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I enjoy the company of your penis
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
