i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
