Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
