If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Randomize
