I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
