Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
