I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
