She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
