how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
