Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
