he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
