she woke up with a sticky ear
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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