i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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