my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
