i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
