MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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