Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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