I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dignity is for republicans.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
