I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize