I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
