I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
