Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
