Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
