wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Pooping to opera.
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