Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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